Introduction

The following thoughts/observations about the problem of "mind-reading" in relationships are just that - thoughts and observations.  As someone who (for reasons I could explain here but won't) has dealt with, perhaps, more than the average share of "mind-reading" problems in relationships; and as someone who has had more than my share (perhaps) of important and long-term relationships, as well as, a fairly good share of less important and shorter term relationships, over the course of several decades of adult life; I think I've noticed more than a few patterns when it comes to the whole "mind-reading" thing and relationships.

People Aren't "Mind-Readers" (quotation marks because I don't believe there is such a thing as a person who is truly a skilled enough psychic to read minds).

When the topic of communication and relationships comes up it's not uncommon to hear the advice that it isn't good to "think the other person is a mind-reader".  I recall how when I was five or six and wouldn't fall asleep fast enough, I'd get to thinking.  Sometimes (as little kids most often do around that age), I'd get myself worrying about my mother dying.  It wouldn't take long before I'd get myself crying, and neither did it take much longer for my mother and father to show up at the bedroom door to ask why I was.

I couldn't say why I was crying because, for one thing, it was too awful a thing to put into words to anyone, or even to no one.  Equally at the root of why I couldn't say it was the fact that I thought it would be too horrible to actually say to the person I was imagining dying that that was what I'd been thinking.  It wasn't that I was superstitious about it, or anything like that.  It just seemed to insensitive to say that to the person I loved so much.  To a five- or six-year old it was just to ugly a thought to say to the person about whom the thought had been.  So, I'd say, "I can't tell you."   My two parents would take turns guessing, and I'd, of course, let them know they hadn't guessed it correctly.  I suppose I hoped they'd guess it correctly, because I recall thinking how, if they did, I could then simply nod and let them know what had upset me.  After a long stretch of guessing my mother would inevitably say, "If you don't say what's bothering you I can't do anything about it.  We're not mind-readers."  I was old enough to know there wasn't such a thing as "mind-reading", but I kept thinking, "Can't you guess?  Can't you think of the one, and kind of only, thing that would make me cry this much when nothing else has happened while I've been here, waiting to fall asleep?  Can't you guess the biggest and most horrible worry that I was thinking about?" 

They never guessed, or else if they did they didn't say it.  I'm guessing there's the chance they didn't want to get me thinking about something I may not have already been thinking about, or else they just didn't want to put such an awful thought into words I'd hear before going to sleep.  So, they were either clueless or else pretended to be clueless (and allowed me to think they were), as they kept coming up with unrelated guesses until my father eased the tension a little by making a little joke about something.  Somewhere between the time they'd shown up at the door and the time things had calmed down and involved a few little laughs, the crying had dying down from the degree of extreme upset it had involved at first - but not without many, many, remarks about how they weren't mind-readers, how I couldn't expect them to be mind-readers, and how if I would "just" say what was bothering me they might be able to do something about it.

Since then, I've heard or read, time and time again, that in a relationship it isn't good (or fair) to expect the other person to be a mind-reader.  So, I grew up very much a person who views attempting to communicate honestly as critical in any relationship.  At the same time, I also grew up not so different from that little girl who didn't want to hurt the feelings of, shock, upset, and/or insult someone she loved so much.  Some people can be more brutally honest than I can.  As honest as I most often am, I've never been able to be brutal.  In fact, I suspect that's the case for most people who love, care, and wouldn't intentionally hurt someone they love if their life depended on it.  Oh, there are some people (often more callous and/or less loving, but sometimes even "experts" on relationships) who will say, "You have to take care of yourself in a relationship.  You can't worry about hurt feelings."  As far as the thinking of a five-year-old goes, with regard to imagining "hurting the feelings" of a parent in a situation such as I've described above, set that aside at this point; because at this point I'm now addressing the matter of grown-up relationships.

I don't agree with those who say we shouldn't worry about not hurting the feelings of the other person in the relationship.  As a grown-up, I've discovered that there are times when saying what we wish the other person would guess isn't an option; because while those times may be relatively few, saying what we wish the other person would figure out for himself would amount to verbally "hitting below the belt" and really hurting that person badly.  I don't think most people are willing to do that kind of thing when they truly love the other person.  So, they hope the other person will somehow figure out what the problem is and change what's bothering the one who can't/won't verbally hit below the belt.   How childish of me, I suppose - at least in some ways.  On the other hand, my it was just very grown-up of me, back when I was five or six, to know that we shouldn't say things that could upset or worry someone we love more than words can ever say.  As a result, while our life may not depend on it and while our sense of happiness and confidence may; we often keep to ourselves all those things that have been bothering us  (sometimes over the course of years, even a lifetime),  hope that someone figures all those things out, and discover that nobody ever seems to.

Even though there's really no mind-reading in any relationship, that doesn't prevent the existence of two possible other parts to the "mind-reading equation".

A.   Other Possible Part of the "Mind-Reading Equation" - Number One

The first is, of course, being the person who knows what it's like, and who believes most others do as well; and who tries to guess the answer to questions that haven't been verbalized by seeming to "over-communicate" by trying to cover all possible issues that may exist for the other person and/or in the relationship.  The person in this role, of course, is likely to unintentionally discourage the other person from ever expressing what's on his mind at all because the other person already knows that he'll "make a big thing about it" and "go on and on".  The "over-communicator" may not actually be attempting to communicate more than is appropriate (although he may be).  Instead, he may just be seen by the other as an " over-communicator" because the other doesn't understand why ("on Earth") this individual does what he does.  The "why" to that is, most likely, that this "over-communicator" is someone who wants to be that person who hits on that right guess and lets the other person (if nothing else, and if he's not able to express it in words) nod and give the "guesser" that idea about what is bothering him.  Having been, perhaps, that five-year-old child who so desperately hoped someone would guess what was so upsetting, the guesser/"over-communicator" may very much want to be the kind of person who does (somehow) manage to hit on that right guess.

It might be worth telling a little story about one of my own children at five years old here: 

The kindergarten bus came just a few minutes early one day, and I wasn't able to get right to the door as immediately as I'd always gotten to it as my five-year-old got off the bus.  It didn't take me long (at all), but I heard my child screaming and crying outside the door.  I couldn't imagine what was wrong because he sounded terrified.  When I opened the door and, afraid that he'd be hurt, asked what was wrong; my kindergarten-child wailed, "I thought you were dead!!!"  The lesson I've always taken from that is that when someone is upset enough there's always the chance he won't be thinking of your feelings (or anything else) when he blurts out the cause of his upset.  Most of the time, however, the things that bother people in relationships are not things that terrify them.  They're things about which they feel melancholy, worried, somehow threatened, sentimental and/or maybe even a little afraid.  My boy, like so many other people do, grew up to keep much to himself when the circumstances were perceived by him to be far less dire than my premature and imagined demise.

The "guesser" may understand that the other person can't/won't ever be able to say what's bothering him, and he may even suspect there's the chance the other person won't be able to even nod his head in acknowledgement of that correct guess.  Still, he hopes that if he hits on the words that will help the other person feel better, or understand better; without it's ever being acknowledged out in the open, the attempt to communicate will have been at least somewhat effective.   One major problem with this approach to communication is, however, that if the guesser doesn't hit on what's bothering the other person it amounts to a whole lot of guessing and talk that has been useless (not to mention not at all related to the real problem).  Sometimes that's a chance a guesser will take, particularly if he loves that other person so much he can't bare to think he's unhappy. 

B.    Other Possible Part of the "Mind-Reading Equation" - Number Two

The person who doesn't bother guessing.  This person may not know there could be a reason to even try to guess (at the risk of "over-communicating" and/or spending a lot of time on useless guesses).  He may, on the other hand, just not be the person in the relationship who views his role (and maybe the other person's role as well) as that of trying to take care of the emotional well-being of the other.  This kind of person may be selfish or egotistical, or he may be just be clueless (which sometimes, although not always, comes with "egotistical").  Either way, there's little chance that whatever is bothering the other person will be addressed.  The "non-guesser" will never be accused of boring people, "dredging up negative stuff" and/or generally being "a big downer"; so ironically, perhaps, it may be the non-guesser who is more respected by someone with whom he's in a relationship.

Once A "Guesser", Always A "Guesser"?

Some people are just the kind of people in whose nature it is to be a "guesser".   As suggested above, they may be people who know how many un-expressed thoughts one individual can have and/or how impossible it is for him to disregard the other person and just say what's on his mind.  Other people may not particularly be "guessers" by nature.  They may just find themselves in a relationship in which they learn to become a "guesser".  Conversely, it may be in some people's nature to be selfish and/or clueless and never even know to try to guess (or bother guessing).  Then again, someone isn't particularly a "guesser" by nature may become one if/when he feels it's his role/responsibility to worry about the happiness of the other person in SOME relationships, or to worry about the relationship, itself.

When Even The "Guesser" Keeps His Guesses To Himself

There are times when something that has gone on/is going on in a relationship has been/is something so painful that bringing it up in conversation isn't something either person can, or wants to, do; the issue (or at least the guess) will loom in the air - become an "elephant in the room" about which neither person can say much, and which both know that at least one person (if not both) "just want to move on" (and understandably so).  This may be the most destructive of the scenarios mentioned here, because when elephants are left in rooms they most often do some damage and/or block at least a little sun from the windows.

And Yet, Even Though It Isn't Good We Sometimes Do Expect Someone Else To Be A "Mind-Reader". 

Why - when so many of us know that it isn't good to "expect someone else to be a mind-reader" - do so many of us still keep to ourselves so many of those things that bother us, hoping the other person will figure it out and stop doing whatever he's doing that bothers us?   Why is it that even some of the most otherwise open and honest communicators will draw the line on some of those things that we know will - without a doubt - hurt the other person to core?   Because we love, and because we can't/won't hurt the person/people we love - not even if our lives, let alone our "just" our happiness, depend on it.  Some would call us "wimps" or "pushovers".  Others would understand that it is sometimes the strongest people who care enough about others to refuse to sacrifice the others' self-esteem/confidence for their own.

Those of us who know how it feels to unintentionally hurt someone we love know, too, that there can be a form of grief and sorrow that actually causes nausea each and every time we think about it.  It is something that feels so unbearably sickening to us that we can't allow ourselves to think about it.  No, it isn't good to expect someone else to be a "mind-reader"; but when we know that someone who cares about us is also someone at the root of our individual, or relationship, unhappiness; and when we care so deeply about that person in return, there is absolutely no way ("on Earth") we could ever let that person know that something he does/has done is "the issue".  When we know how it feels when all we want to do is contribute to the happiness of someone we love; we know, too, how bad it feels to know we've contributed instead to their unhappiness.  And so, the elephant stays in the room; and we're often the only one who knows it's there.

So what can we do when we find ourselves in this kind of situation?  I'm sorry to tell you (particularly after you've read all the words above) that I don't know - just keep hoping someone will guess correctly (I guess). 

The Other Side Of The "Mind-Reading Thing"

On, perhaps, a more encouraging note:  There can be another element to the whole "mind-reading thing", and that isn't expecting the other person to be a "mind-reader".  Instead, it's presuming to be a "minder-reader", ourselves (and if not a "mind-reader", then a psychotherapist).  If there's one thing that there's way too much of in this world it the apparent belief that so many people have, which is that they are (essentially) "mind-readers" (or, again, at least psychotherapists).  Here's an over-simplified (and hyperbolic) example of how that kind of thing can go:  Person A says, "I like blue cars."  That's all Person A said - nothing more, whatsoever.  From that, here's what Person B (who believes himself to be both a "mind-reader" and psychotherapist) gets:

"Person A just said he likes blue cars.  That means that Person A also likes blue houses and blue shirts.  Person A must like blue because he had a good experience in a childhood that involved either a blue sky or else a the word, 'blue', in a song.  Person A hates all the other colors in the rainbow.  Person A must have something wrong with him, because I like black cars, and anyone who doesn't think black cars are best has a problem/is a problem.  Person A says he likes blue cars today, so he's never going to change his preference in cars - ever.  Person A doesn't know that apples aren't blue.  I need to figure out to get Person A to like green because he'll be happier."  (This kind of example could go on and on.  You get the idea.)

Person B may care about Person A, but if Person A knows that this is what Person B does with any number of statements he makes, Person A may decide to stop even expressing things like a preference for blue cars.  He may not.  Either way, Person A is going to know that he had better not bring up anything that's "less harmless" than that (because he's already been amazed to discover what Person B will do to even the simplest of statements).

Imagine, say, a fifteen-year marriage between Person A and Person B.  Imagine all the “I like blue cars,” statements that could made in that fifteen years of “marital bliss”.

In her videos in which she talks about verbal abuse; author, Patricia Evans, describes the kind of thing mentioned just above as “verbal abuse”.  Evans notes that whenever someone is “verbally abusive” (as in a situation similar to that described above), it’s because the individual who does that kind of thing in conversation “doesn’t see a person”.  I’m not sure that if the hypothetical Person B in the above example doesn’t intend abuse (and if, instead, he really does care about Person A), that this type of thing should really be considered “verbal abuse”.   The impact on a “Person A” may be the same or similar as it would be if Person B intended to be abusive.  Whether it’s fair to call the behavior “verbal abuse” when there is no intent, I’m not sure.  There’s no question that there’s a problem if a “Person B” “doesn’t see a person” when he speaks.  The world is full of men who don’t see a person when they’re talking to their wives, girlfriends, mothers and/or daughters; and the world is full of adults who don’t see a person when they’re talking with a child (or at least someone younger/smaller than they are).  Fathers, husbands, sons and brothers are all people who may find themselves talking to someone who doesn’t see them as a person.  Middle-aged and older people may not see a person when they talk to someone younger, or they may be the ones who are not seen as a person when someone younger is talking with them.

The main problem here is that someone who apparently believes he’s a “mind-reader” and/or who presumes to act as a psychotherapist evaluating a “Person A”, this individual isn’t just not seeing a person, and he doesn’t just believe that the other person is transparent (maybe even “invisible”) enough that he is able to understand things he only imagines the other person “means”; but the “psychotherapist part” of a “Person B” indicates that he sees himself as qualified to judge, as well as having the right to judge.  Without wanting to come across like a “Person B”, this, to me, is a sign that Person B believes himself to be superior to Person A.  However someone wishes to define “verbal abuse”, any time someone sees himself as “superior” to someone else (particularly, perhaps, another adult) that amounts to lack of “equal respect” for the other person.

Even if Person B cares very much about Person A, imagine that fifteen-year marriage.  Imagine being Person A, who may a) not want to verbally hit Person B below the belt, and b) have learned to keep to a minimum all those “I like blue cars,” remarks.  While a Person A may get into the habit of “over-communicating” in an attempt to make clear what he “really does or doesn’t mean” when he makes those “I like blue cars,” statements; there’s a very good chance he’ll just learn not to express at all his thoughts on the more important relationship issues

Essentially, what it all boils down to is that a “Person A” is being verbally bullied by that “Person B”.  The individual who seems to see himself as a “mind-reader” and/or a psychotherapist is the problem in the relationship.  That’s why a “Person A” can’t come up with an acceptable solution (other than ending a relationship that may otherwise be caring in its own way, and inflicting the guilt and sorrow on that “Person B” by telling him how damaging he’s been to someone whose happiness he really did have at heart (in his own way).  Worse, perhaps, is the fact that if a “Person A” speaks up, it will amount to his compromising his own moral code, values, and standard for behavior toward those he cares about (and having to live, himself, with that nauseating sorrow of having hurt someone he loves).

When my two sons and I were once talking about a couple of bullying incidents each son had encountered at one time or another, both of my non-aggressive sons said, “I could REALLY hurt him if I wanted to, but I don’t want to.”  One son added, “I don’t want to seriously hurt a kid.  He’s a kid.”  They were grade-school age at the time, and it seemed so clear to me that it is in the nature of non-aggressive, kind, children not to want to seriously hurt another child.  In fact, they will refuse to.  That’s why childhood bullies often get away with bullying, and it’s why grown-up victims of bullies will often tell themselves they don’t care what a “Person B” thinks about them and continue to allow themselves to be bullied (and sometimes, even “benevolently bullied” by someone who cares about them, and about whom they care).

So, Is There A Solution To Any Of These “Mind-Reading in Relationships” Problems?

If there is it certainly isn’t likely to be a simple one.  Still, while it may be particularly difficult for the person who can’t/won’t bring himself to tell someone who generally cares about him (and often sincerely “means well”) to solve his own contribution to a “Mind-Reading” problem, it’s not at all difficult for each and every person in any kind of relationship to ask himself, “Do I see, and treat, this other individual as absolutely equal to me, in terms of whether I see a capable, perfectly OK individual (particularly when he’s an adult), who knows what he’s talking about; bases what he says and does on what he, himself, has found to be accurate and true; who knows more about ‘where he comes from’ than I do (in fact, who may know more about any number of things than I do), and who is a person?

Doing this one thing may not solve all the relationship problems in the world (or even all the “mind-reading in relationships” problems in the world.  It would, however (and I’m convinced of this), solve and/or prevent a whole lot of them.

True, I’m only guessing about that.  It is, however, a fairly “experienced”, informed, guess.  Then again, it may be more accurate to say that what I’ve offered here are the words of an “over-communicator” who has lived in a world of “mind-readers” and self-appointed, untrained and extremely inept “psychotherapists” longer than – really – any “Person” should.

Returning (for just another little while) to that story about when I was five and would get myself crying because I would think about my mother dying, I think of how many times my mother would say (both then and in the years that followed, long after that phase of getting myself crying from worrying that she'd die), "I'm not a mind-reader.  I can't do anything about what's bothering you if you don't tell me what it is."  Over the years that followed she would make that "mind-reader statement" time and time again, often not with regard to my relationship with her but to her relationship with someone else.  Like most people who love/care about someone else, she wanted nothing more than to "do something about" what was bothering a person she loved/cared about.   I'd over time notice that the "mind-reading" problem seemed to be problem for a whole lot more people than just my mother.  I'd notice, too, that while those five-year-olds who go through that stage of fearing that their mother will die most often outgrew that degree of that particular fear; those people whose nature it is to be unwilling to risk severely hurting a person they love don't particularly outgrow that.

This may be one of the major reasons we live in a world in which so many strong, capable, competent, and kind people find themselves misunderstood and/or unintentionally mistreated by someone who truly means no harm and certainly wouldn't hurt someone else if they knew better.   It may also be one of the major reasons so many people who can't/won't hurt someone else will try to figure out a way to solve a relationship problem on their own  - only to discover that living with that problem for too long gets to be too much, and the only options are to either stay in the relationship and live keeping one’s “complaints” to oneself, or else get out of a relationship that, really, shouldn’t ever have to have ended.

Neither of those options is really much of an option.  No otherwise caring relationship needs to, or should, come down to these two options.  Still, so many do; and it’s so often all because of that “mind-reading” problem.