An Attempt to Answer the Question, "Do Middle-Aged Mothers Envy and Compete With Their Daughters?

Introduction

For all the mothers there are in the world, and all the mothers who have existed throughout history, I still can’t help but think that mothers may be some of the most misunderstood people on Earth.  Among the most misunderstood mothers of all may be the mothers of grown kids.  It’s not at all unusual for grown kids to think a mother’s motives are something completely different  from what they really are, and it doesn’t help that so many people in the world are not mothers and, as a result, don’t have a clue about how it really feels to be one.  When the matter involves mothers of grown kids there are men, children, childless women, women whose children aren’t yet grown, and even other mothers of grown kids who think very differently from “most normal mothers”.  Even among mothers who have grown kids, it doesn’t help that problems/challenges between individual mothers and individual kids can be very different.  As a result, it’s easy enough to see how a mother who is having differences of opinion with a grown child may find herself feeling isolated and misunderstood.  Another factor may be that mothers of grown kids aren’t as likely to discuss their child’s personal business with others.  It’s one thing to talk about whether one’s toddler has begun to speak yet.  It’s another to talk about some of the kinds of issues mothers can have with grown sons or daughters.  

And so, in the equation that is made up of a mother and a grown child, at least one side of that equation (if not both) never really gets factored in when grown kids (and others) use the “putting-two-and-two-together-and-getting-three” approach in trying to understand why mothers sometimes do or say some of the things they do.

The following discussion addresses the matter of whether it’s usual that mothers complete with their grown daughters out of envy.  Written from the perspective of a mother of three grown kids, my discussion is aimed at calling attention to some factors in that “mother side of the equation”.  My hope is that the reader’s better understanding, and (possibly) increased awareness, of those factors may help prevent some instances of putting two and two together and getting three.

Do Most Middle-Aged Mothers Compete with Their Grown Daughters Because They Envy Their Daughter’s Youth? -  One Perspective That May Surprise Some Daughters and Others

 

Not long ago I ran into a discussion about whether or not mothers of grown daughters compete with their daughters out of envy.  My immediate response in seeing that question was that most mothers don't compete with their grown daughters out of envy.  Some mothers "with issues" do, but that's not most mothers.  Upon thinking more about it, I think it's far to over-simplifed to say that most mothers don't but some with issues do.   If you'll notice, the question isn't just about whether mothers compete with daughters, but it included envy as the motivation.  I really don't believe envy is motivation behind a lot of apparent "competing-against-daughters" that some mothers do (sometimes frequently, sometimes only once in a while).  There's a reason, though, that the idea of mothers' competing out of envy is out there (and maybe to the degree that it could be called, "a widespread misconception").

There are, I believe, different elements at play when it comes to this "widespread misconception". Wrapped up in that question are both the matters of envy and competition.  First, I'll address the element of possible envy as a motive.  Following that I'll address the matter what appears to be, or may actually be, a mother's competitive behavior toward her grown daughter.   Everything I'm offering here is just my own experience or observations.  I have no doubt that there are mothers who feel differently than I do. (Contrary to another widespread misconception, neither all mothers nor all women "all think alike".) 

Following the matter of age is the matter of envy as a possible motive for competitive behavior.  The matter of possible is broken down and addressed immediately below. Since I've already asserted that envy isn't something mothers without "issues" tend to have toward their grown daughters, what follows is aimed at pointing out why the assumption of envy can so often be so misguided.

The Breakdown of "The Possible Envy Factor" (From One Middle-Aged Mother's Perspective)

-   Whether the person perceiving a mother's apparent competing behavior has grown children him/herself, or is at least old enough to have grown children.   Young people make a lot of assumptions about what people older than they think, or what their motives are.  Because of that, the matter of age is worth mentioning.

-  The matter of women's appearance and how much it matters to them is also worth addressing here.

-  Having a daughter can mean a mother has new things to think about when it comes to nurturing.

-  Some things I wanted for my baby daughter.

 -Some things I've discovered about having a grown daughter.

Before Addressing the Above List, A Briefer Reply to the Question-in-Question

As a mother who doesn't have the slightest bit of envy toward my grown daughter (who has, as they say, "everything going for her"), I thought I'd break down some of those elements that, I think, can go into that misconception; and offer my own thoughts on each of them.

With regard to a reply to this question, I can say - with complete candor and certainty - "absolutely not in my case".  Since I assume a whole lot of other mothers would have the same reply to this question, I'm also going to assume that it's reasonable that I venture to speak for that "whole lot of mothers" when I assert that "normal" mothers don't compete with their daughters out of envy.  I, personally, don't view my daughter as a rival of any sort; but saying that SOME mothers don't compete with their daughters out of envy isn't the same thing as saying that none ever compete with their daughters out of motivations other than envy.  Also, as with all "issues" involving less than ideally "emotionally solid" individuals, there are SOME mothers who do envy their daughters.  Those mothers aren't most mothers, though.  They're mothers with "issues".

My daughter is twenty seven; and not only do I adore her, but I’m proud of her..  To be honest, while I respect that she's an individual, I like to take some credit for the person she is.  I don't even like the phrase, "proud of her", because she's an individual in her own right.  Maybe it's more accurate to say that I'm happy for her that she's all the good things that she is (inside and out) because it's nice to go through life being one or another kind of "good thing".

Assuming  That "Less Than Happy" Older Women Envy Younger Women.  (Younger People Don't Have A Clue About How Happy Older People (Including Women) Can Be With Themselves And With Their Lives.)

 What a lot of people don't realize when they're younger is that being older isn't such a horrible thing.  I have my life and my aims.  I'm really glad to not to be looking at a blank slate of a big stretch of future; because it's incredibly rewarding to see my family all here, all built, and see how they (and I) have turned out so far.  It could be that I'm one of the many people (including women) who doesn't have a shred of envy in me (regardless of whom the person is or what the issue is). 

When a lot of people (most, I'm guessing) are, say, in their twenties; they'll look at others in their fifties (or whatever age they deem to be "middle aged" or "old") and think, "OMG.  I'd hate to be that old."  Until someone has reached whatever middle-years age it is he can't know how happy a person can be in her middle years.  Difficult as it may be for younger people to believe, a whole lot of people (including women) are far happier in their middle (and later) years than they were when they were younger.  When you love someone in a healthy way (especially your own child), you respect them too much as an individual to ever reduce them to being someone you'd compete with or envy.

There can be another factor when it comes to how daughters view mothers; however, and that is that children can be "little judges" when it comes to parents, and daughters (who are figuring out what kind of woman they want to grow up to be) will decide what it is about their mother that they want to emulate, but also what it is they never want to emulate.  With this judging eye, daughters will think to themselves how they'll do things differently and why.  They may or may not express it or show it, but daughters (especially once they get to their teen years and beyond) can have a running, private, "competition" going on in their own mind when it comes to how their mother does things or thinks.  So daughters (kids in general, and with regard to parents of both sexes) can kind of live in a "competitive mindset", especially with regard to their mothers.  In the meantime, the last thing on most normal mother's minds is competition.  The twenty-year-old who has, in her mind, been pitting her mother's way of doing things against her own doesn't have a clue that her mother has been viewing her in a very different way (and without any trace of competitive nature).

The Matter of Appearance (and Even "Fading Looks") - Straight Talk About Being Happy With One's Appearance, A Middle-Aged Mother's Thoughts

Someone in the discussion mentioned that middle-aged women are past "their glory days".  People can have different ideas of "glory days", and there's no doubt some of the most middle-aged-and older people can be people who measure themselves and others on by whether or not they're good looking (and having even a few lines and wrinkles aren't, by most standards, considered the most ideal thing when it comes to being attractive).  By the same token, there are a lot of very young people (girls and women) who certainly don't measure "glory days" by whether the face in the mirror is at the height of "adult-but-youthful".  Younger women especially may, in fact, be more prone to be particularly pleased if they like the face they see in the mirror (and if they get feedback from others that reinforces how nice it can be to possess that "good thing" of attractiveness.  That can be because the more meaningful things in life haven't yet come their way and caused them to place less emphasis on appearance.  It can be because they haven't yet had enough tests of who they are "as a person" to see more important ways than appearance that they do, or don't, measure up.  It can also be simply because a lot of young women have little else to think about than school and work, their social life, and whether or not they they're pretty enough by their own, or someone else's, standards.    There's nothing wrong with the fact that young women often view their own (and others') appearance in terms of whether or not their own appearance measures up.  It's all part of being young, growing up, putting the finishing touches on "identity" and values (so none of this is knock to young women who are happy with being young and attractive; if, that is to say, they are attractive.  None all young women are all that attractive.  That's a point worth mentioning here too, because youth, alone, doesn't always equal attractiveness OR "glory days" (regardless of how one defines "glory days").

As far as looks go, I'll break away from presuming to speak for other middle-aged mothers here and speak only for my own, middle-aged-mother self.  I'm no super-model, but I didn't look like a super-model when I was twenty either.  Then again, most young women don't look like super-models, and even super-models don't always look all that "super-model-y" without the help of make-up and hair professionals and special photographic effects.

In any case, I was among the vast majority of young women who would never be super-model material, so I had to figure out how to make the most of my "not-horrible-but-not-super-model-either" looks.  The way I see it, however, is that learning that when I was young served me well as I've started to see some signs of age showing up.  The difference between not looking like a super-model when we're young and still not looking like a super-model when the fine lines show up isn't really worth mentioning.  There were things about myself I didn't like then, and I still don't like them now.   Here's the thing, though:  Even as a young girl and young woman, I've never been shallow enough to think that what anyone (myself or anyone else) looks like is the measure of either a person or "glory days".

Maybe things would have been rougher on me if I'd ever outgrown the kind of insecurities about my own appearance that fourteen-year-old girls often have but do outgrow (somehow).   I have high standards for everyone, including myself; so even though I've never seen myself as measuring up to those high standards of "perfect looks", very few other women measure up to that standard in my eyes either.  Basically, if one doesn't look like the air-brushed version of a super-model, or else like one of the many versions of the Barbie doll that have come out after the "uglier" version of my own set of original Barbie dolls were out, that girl or woman (in my view) belongs in the "less-than-perfect club" and shouldn't be too carried away with own (even youthful) appearance.  BUT, maybe that's just me.  Either way, those high standards of "perfection" (and not measuring up to them - ever) have served me well in my being used to not looking like a super-model or Barbie, but finding ways to make the most of who/what I am and being happy with that much.  Or, to put it another way, I don't look like a "monster" in the mirror and don't have two noses, so I'm happy.

My Baby Daughter - New Things To Think About After Having Two Little Boys - Asking Myself What It Means To Be A Girl/Woman

When my daughter came along after my two sons, I was as committed to "raising a human being first and letting gender take care of itself" as I'd been with her brothers.  I wanted my child (who happened to be a girl-human-being, rather than a boy-human-being) to grow to be kind, honest, smart, strong and all kinds of important things; but very much enjoying the aspect of myself that felt uniquely feminine, and knowing how little girls' self-esteem is often impacted by whether or not they see themselves as pretty, I asked myself what it was that I could try to nurture in my daughter that would help her feel pretty but also help her be comfortable with any flaws (real or perceived by her) that may eventually show up in the reflection she'd see in the mirror.  I wanted to immunize my daughter against being "flaw-focused", and I asked myself what it was about my own sense of being a girl or woman that I most valued.  The answer to that question was that I loved that I felt feminine and graceful, and I loved the fact that aiming to look or feel graceful, feminine, and/or elegant were not dependant on the direction Nature took one's facial features.  To me, appreciating and enjoying my own femininity was the thing that had made not looking like Barbie at all a big deal or big problem for me.

Whether or not I was in front of a mirror, I most often felt pretty enough.  (Of course, when I would find myself looking in the mirror and seeing someone who wasn't nearly as pretty as I felt it could be a depressing shock (lol); but I think the sense of self-esteem that I had from being happy enough with who I was, and how I felt, on the inside helped me deal with those many occasions of "mirror shock or depression".  In any case, when I looked at my beautiful, tiny, baby-daughter and wondered if there was something extra I should think about as I nurtured her; I decided that the "something extra" was trying to help my little daughter "know her feminine grace and elegance" as a girl and, eventually, a woman.  That didn't mean that I wanted to turn her into "a princess" or a "fairy princess".  I wanted to raise a strong, smart, daughter of solid character and independence.  I just also wanted her to enjoy that most fundamental thing about her, which was that she was girl and would one day be a woman.

I did consider the possibility that my baby daughter wouldn't turn into a girl who felt, or cared a lot about, any "feminine grace and elegance".  I would have been fine with it if she'd turned into someone who didn't have a shred of either to her name.   It was just that I thought that most girls do start out with that sense of grace and elegance.  (That's one reason so many little girls of parents who want to raise them strong and "equal to men" so often dismay their parents with their penchant for Disney princesses.)  So, I knew I'd be fine if my daughter turned out not to be one for feeling graceful, elegant, and feminine.    I was prepared to make adjustments in my approaches if that's how things started to turn out.  I just knew, though, that the chances of a little girl's having that tendency to love feeling feminine and "princess-y" were pretty good, and I didn't want to neglect that aspect of a daughter's nature.

It's important to point out that I didn't "nurture my daughter's elegance and gracefulness" by only letting her wear "princess clothes" or do "princess things".  What I wanted to teach her was how to do something that can one of the biggest challenges for a girl or woman, and that is to be strong, smart, sensible, and "equal" without sacrificing her femininity, grace, and elegance.  Too many people don't recognize that feminine-looking girls and women can be smart, strong, and "equal" (or better in some instances).  Too many other people (or sometimes the same people) too often seem to think that the only difference between men and women are things associated with reproductive parts.  Also, a whole lot of people too often associate only a nurturing role with women.

I wanted my daughter to know that part of her that was more important than having perfect facial features; less important than being a good person, a kind person, a strong person, a smart person, or whatever other desirable traits there are; or so much more meaningful in some ways than whether or not she would one day give birth to her own child/children.  I hoped my daughter would know the aspect of her femininity that would sometimes be the frame within which the rest of who she was viewed, sometimes be the foundation on which who she was would be built, and sometimes be the light that would guide her with regard to any number of choices (big or small) with which life would present her.

The Heart Speaks When We Look At Our Baby Daughters

It wasn't that I wanted her to be "all kinds of good things" for me. When I'd look at my newborn daughter and think of what I wanted for her, it was that I wanted her to be all those good things for herself - not for me.  I knew what things helped make a person feel happier and have a sense of self-esteem; and when I'd look at my tiny baby daughter and think about how I'd be "molding" a brain in the earliest years of her life, all I ever wanted for her was that she knew how much I loved her and would grow up to have the kind of self-esteem that increases people's chances of being happy.

The Heart Sometimes Speaks Louder When We Look At Our Grown "Little Girls"

When I look at the person that sweet little baby girl has turned into, I'm pretty damned delighted to see all those "good things to be", including being pretty, that my daughter now enjoys.   When I look at my daughter (but also her brothers), there's something very "glory days" about how I feel right now, right where I am - fine lines showing up or not.  I'm so much happier and more whole being who/what I am right now than I was when there were no fine lines showing up in the mirror.  I look at the three people who aren't just the "products of decades' worth of thinking, worrying, planning, working, and loving more than so many people could ever imagining loving.  I see them as people who came into my life and made me so much better a person than I ever would have been without loving, and growing with, them.  Children (grown or otherwise) are yet a different kind of guiding light in life; and far from competing with my daughter, I'll never be able to express the gratitude I have that she (and her brothers) have been those beacons that led me to be the person I am today.  When you like the person you are, and the person you've shown yourself to be, you also tend to be OK enough with what you see in the mirror - including those fine lines under the eyes.

OK, Envy's Been Addressed (Hopefully), But How About That Competition Part of the Question?

I think lots of times what some people interpret as envy is often something else.  There are some mothers who envy their daughters, I know; but they aren't "regular" mothers who have a normal, healthy, "under-control-ego", love toward their child.  What can look like competing can sometimes be that a lot of mothers simply don't like something their daughter does and kind of get into a debate/power-struggle type of thing about who is right.  That's not competing, at least not competing the way we usually think of "competing".   That's the mother thinking she's right when maybe she isn't (or maybe she actually is); and it sometimes happens when the daughter thinks the mother "doesn't know anything", the mother gets aggravated at that, and kind of "gets her back up" about her own "stand" or ways of doing something.  Since it may not occur to the young person that she, herself, may actually be wrong about something (because young people are known for believing they're right and older people are wrong), she may interpret her mother's getting her back up about something as "competing" and then imagine that it must be envy.

Mothers and daughters don't always think alike.  They're individuals.  Sometimes the mother may be right.  Sometimes the daughter my know better than her mother does.  Sometimes neither is right or wrong, and it's just a matter of opinion, preference and/or a different personality or aims.  Too often, a mother may actually know better than her daughter (about something that isn't a matter or opinion or "debatable"), but without her mother's "well of experience" from which conclusions are drawn, the daughter may think her mother is "pulling that idea out of thin air", "being old fashioned and not with the times", or "trying to control her".  In fact, a daughter (or any younger woman) can imagine all sorts of motives and flaws in the older woman's thinking that simple don't exist.  So, sometimes mothers are actually right.  Whether or not being right matters very much can depend on the issue and whether someone's (like the daughter's or grandchildren's) health or safety are at stake. It doesn't matter so much if the mother thinks her daughter may one day regret having worn one kind of clothing or another, which she happens to think is "the height of fashion" or "cool" today.

Mothers can be wrong too, though  - terribly, terribly, wrong sometimes.  Daughters know that.  A lot of other people know that.  A lot of mothers can't imagine that there's the possibility they could be wrong.

In any case, depending on how important the issue is (or at least how important each woman sees it), there can be a lot of digging-in-of-heels when it comes to who is right and who wrong, as well as who will change their ways or plans.  Where, exactly, the line is between over-stepping boundaries and not only being well within them, but being a matter of meeting one's responsibility as a mother, can depend on the age of the daughter, what's at stake, and any number of other things.  That line can move as a daughter continues to mature (or at least it should move in a whole lot of instances). Some mothers are pretty good at naturally knowing when to move the line.  Others take longer than their daughters would prefer but eventually get there.  A lot of mothers, however, don't seem to realize that there is that line and any number of other lines that either need to be moved or else eliminated as their daughter matures.

As a result, those power-struggles and "competitions" regarding who is right and who is wrong happen.  While where any lines should be drawn can be tricky between mothers and teen daughters, the way it's supposed to work is that daughters grow up and mothers (pardon the phrase) back off; and both are supposed to live happily (or at least peacefully) ever after.   One problem can be that as daughters grow up the stakes can so often grow up too.

Arguments that were once along the lines of, "I don't think you should wear clothes that make you look like a hooker"/"Well, you're just jealous because my legs are better looking than yours," can turn into something like, "If you get a divorce and break up your children's two parents you'll be destroying their lives"/"Well, thanks for the opinion, but you don't have a clue about how things have been for me AND the children."  When the stakes "grow up" even the otherwise most well behaved of mothers can panic if they think their daughter is about to "make the biggest mistake of her life" (and especially if they also think their daughter is going to "ruin the children's lives forever").

Heels get dug in.  The more prone to emotions the woman is, the nastier it can get (and not all women allow emotions to take over, contrary to popular belief).  Sometimes daughters have a calmer head than mothers.  Sometimes they don't.  I'm tended to say, "Either way, hijinks ensue," but it isn't "hijinks" that ensure.  It's something that's not the least bit funny to either mother or daughter.  It's not, however, envy at the root the "competition".  It's control.  The real question is often whether the mother has any right whatsoever to even want control over what a grown daughter does.  Most people (including most mothers, perhaps) would say that as long as a grown daughter is a competent adult her mother has no right whatsoever to even want to try to control her.  If you think that's an encouraging thought don't be so encouraged.  A whole lot of mothers don't seem to see that their grown daughter is a perfectly competent individual who is all those aforementioned "good-things-to-be". 

It is perhaps because so many mothers tend to under-estimate the competence and good sense of their daughters that x percent of power-struggles take place.  Remember that "feminine grace and elegance" that is a part of so many girls and women?  Well, girls and women live in a world where being feminine and graceful is most often not associated with being "perfectly competent and capable", even by mothers who have lived their lives as women (and "low man on the social/economic totem pole", at least until they had "feminine and graceful" daughters of their own).  There can be another side to that "feminine-grace" thing, and that's the even though daughters who are feminine may be at higher risk of not being respected as "competent and capable" than less feminine daughters; grown daughters can sometimes also face the double-whammy punch of mothers a) not seeing women who are feminine as "equally competent", but also b) not being respected enough by mothers who nonetheless respect in other women (like grown daughters) being attractive and feminine (but as separate issues from the matter of competence and capability).  So either way, a lot of grown daughters aren't going to get the right kind of respect from their mothers.

Sometimes when a mother competes in a power match against her daughter, she's actually right in believing her daughter is "making the mistake of her life", and maybe she's even right in trying to prevent her daughter from making that mistake.  Other times, however, mothers don't know when to draw lines on their own attempts to "put in their two cents' worth" on their daughter's choices. 

Either way, I think it's a minority of instances in which a mother is "lacking" enough that she envies her daughter's youthful appearance (or youth, itself).  I think it's most often a matter of the mother's lack of respect for her daughter as a competent, capable, adult; as well (maybe) as the mother's thinking her own ideas/approaches are actually superior to her daughter's.  That may be "ego", but it sure as hell is not envy; and it sure as hell has little to do with whether the daughter is young and pretty.

Sometimes It's Neither A Competition Nor A Power Struggle (Nor Even A Debate)

In fairness to emotionally healthy mothers everywhere, the above is not to suggest that most mothers don't know when to draw lines on their own behavior.  Sometimes, however, even the most reasonable and emotionally health mother may only appear to her daughter that she's crossing some line by voicing her opinion on one matter or another.  One thing I discovered as I started taking my place among the mothers-of-grown-kids (and aunts-of-grown-nieces-and-nephews) "club" was this:  As the younger generation in the family grew up, I was more than aware that they were grown up; and I believed (as a novice in the "club") that I should be very careful not to try "mother" these adults.  Instead, I thought, I should make it a point to treat them as the adults they were.  In "all my healthy-ness" I knew I had no right to expect someone like my daughter to do things, or think things, the way I did.  I respected my daughter as an adult.  Because of that, I began doing what I'd do when talking to any adult.  That was to candidly share my own views/opinions on things "just as discussion" and certainly not to try to convert anyone or imply that their way was the wrong way.  I made the mistake of assuming that my daughter (or any number of other younger-generation family members) knew that I, like she (I imagined) understood that it isn't reasonable for “opinion-voicers”  to expect the other person to change what's important to her just because of an opinion.

Here's what I learned, however; and that was that I'd been short-sighted and inexperienced in being on the "older-person" side of the equation; because even though most people (regardless of the side of the equation) understand that there's only so much weight any adult needs to give to someone else's opinion, it turns out that people like daughters may know that in their head but not really feel it in their heart, at least when it comes to someone like a mother.  Looking back at my "novice-as-an-older-person" days, I realize how stupid I was not to even think about the fact that, even as an adult, I'd always have preferred to have my mother's approval, rather than not.

I'd been paying so much attention to my own efforts at "letting go" and "letting newly grown family members grow up", it hadn't really occurred to me that while I would have to overcome my leanings toward being protective and motherly, I shouldn't have forgotten the ways in which people like daughters will always want some types of things from their mothers/parents.  My "rude awakening" came when I made the mistake of "treating a young, but adult, family member as an adult" and "simply voicing my thoughts" on a very serious matter.  After my having been "the protective and supportive adult" through this family member's lifetime, I suddenly shocked her when I "called a spade a spade" and assumed she'd understand "the value of honest, open, communications in families".  She was shocked and angered at my insensitivity.  The painful thing was that the last person in the world I'd ever want to have hurt was she; but, insensitive I, in fact, had been by not realizing that while I thought I was being respectful of her as an adult, she had continued to view me as someone on whom she could always count to be supportive, protective, and kind.

These are things we mothers gradually figure out along the road from being all wrapped up with what we see in the mirror to a time when our story is no longer a blank slate onto which we imagine wonderful things and has, instead, unfolded in colors and music that are so much more than we ever could have imagined.  There's something very "glory days" about seeing one's story in reality, as opposed to only being able to imagine what may or may not ever really happen. 

My daughter is grown up enough that her wedding is planned for late Summer.  When I look at my grown daughter I can't imagine even thinking in terms of competing with her.  Instead, I see my role now as always staying that one person who loves her in that powerful and unique way a mother loves her child; and hope she knows that I'm still here, just 30-or-so years ahead of her, hoping I can share some of what I've learned and being proud to see "all the good things to be" that she has always been and still is today.

Of Women and Respect

Not long ago I read something someone online write, and it made the assertions that "women need love" and "men need respect".  What a crock.   Everyone (men, women and children) needs, expects, wants and deserves to be viewed, and treated, with respect.

The following is a comment I wrote but didn't post under the article, mostly because I didn't see the so called "article" as being worth bothering commenting on:

I once read an excellent analysis of love, and it was said that no matter what kind of love is involved (romantic, parent/child, siblings, whoever) love is only whole when it involves both respect and admiration.  Other things that people see as love may be "caring about" or some other partial form of emotional attachment; but whole and healthy love must include respect and admiration.  Anything else is less than whole, real, and healthy love.  As a human being, I could happily and easily live without admiration or love.  What I wouldn't be willing to live without is respect.  Others (or a spouse) don't have to agree with what I think/do, but I expect respect as human being; and think every other human being deserves that too.  We don't have to go along with others' ideas that we don't like, and we don't even have to respect the idea if we know it's (for lack of a more polite word) stupid.  Having a less-than-impressive idea, however, doesn't mean someone is not worthy of basic respect as an equally worthy and respectable human being to someone else.  So-called "love" without respect amounts to be suffocated by someone who sees the other person as "less", more needy, not autonomous.

Introduction

The following thoughts/observations about the problem of "mind-reading" in relationships are just that - thoughts and observations.  As someone who (for reasons I could explain here but won't) has dealt with, perhaps, more than the average share of "mind-reading" problems in relationships; and as someone who has had more than my share (perhaps) of important and long-term relationships, as well as, a fairly good share of less important and shorter term relationships, over the course of several decades of adult life; I think I've noticed more than a few patterns when it comes to the whole "mind-reading" thing and relationships.

People Aren't "Mind-Readers" (quotation marks because I don't believe there is such a thing as a person who is truly a skilled enough psychic to read minds).

When the topic of communication and relationships comes up it's not uncommon to hear the advice that it isn't good to "think the other person is a mind-reader".  I recall how when I was five or six and wouldn't fall asleep fast enough, I'd get to thinking.  Sometimes (as little kids most often do around that age), I'd get myself worrying about my mother dying.  It wouldn't take long before I'd get myself crying, and neither did it take much longer for my mother and father to show up at the bedroom door to ask why I was.

I couldn't say why I was crying because, for one thing, it was too awful a thing to put into words to anyone, or even to no one.  Equally at the root of why I couldn't say it was the fact that I thought it would be too horrible to actually say to the person I was imagining dying that that was what I'd been thinking.  It wasn't that I was superstitious about it, or anything like that.  It just seemed to insensitive to say that to the person I loved so much.  To a five- or six-year old it was just to ugly a thought to say to the person about whom the thought had been.  So, I'd say, "I can't tell you."   My two parents would take turns guessing, and I'd, of course, let them know they hadn't guessed it correctly.  I suppose I hoped they'd guess it correctly, because I recall thinking how, if they did, I could then simply nod and let them know what had upset me.  After a long stretch of guessing my mother would inevitably say, "If you don't say what's bothering you I can't do anything about it.  We're not mind-readers."  I was old enough to know there wasn't such a thing as "mind-reading", but I kept thinking, "Can't you guess?  Can't you think of the one, and kind of only, thing that would make me cry this much when nothing else has happened while I've been here, waiting to fall asleep?  Can't you guess the biggest and most horrible worry that I was thinking about?" 

They never guessed, or else if they did they didn't say it.  I'm guessing there's the chance they didn't want to get me thinking about something I may not have already been thinking about, or else they just didn't want to put such an awful thought into words I'd hear before going to sleep.  So, they were either clueless or else pretended to be clueless (and allowed me to think they were), as they kept coming up with unrelated guesses until my father eased the tension a little by making a little joke about something.  Somewhere between the time they'd shown up at the door and the time things had calmed down and involved a few little laughs, the crying had dying down from the degree of extreme upset it had involved at first - but not without many, many, remarks about how they weren't mind-readers, how I couldn't expect them to be mind-readers, and how if I would "just" say what was bothering me they might be able to do something about it.

Since then, I've heard or read, time and time again, that in a relationship it isn't good (or fair) to expect the other person to be a mind-reader.  So, I grew up very much a person who views attempting to communicate honestly as critical in any relationship.  At the same time, I also grew up not so different from that little girl who didn't want to hurt the feelings of, shock, upset, and/or insult someone she loved so much.  Some people can be more brutally honest than I can.  As honest as I most often am, I've never been able to be brutal.  In fact, I suspect that's the case for most people who love, care, and wouldn't intentionally hurt someone they love if their life depended on it.  Oh, there are some people (often more callous and/or less loving, but sometimes even "experts" on relationships) who will say, "You have to take care of yourself in a relationship.  You can't worry about hurt feelings."  As far as the thinking of a five-year-old goes, with regard to imagining "hurting the feelings" of a parent in a situation such as I've described above, set that aside at this point; because at this point I'm now addressing the matter of grown-up relationships.

I don't agree with those who say we shouldn't worry about not hurting the feelings of the other person in the relationship.  As a grown-up, I've discovered that there are times when saying what we wish the other person would guess isn't an option; because while those times may be relatively few, saying what we wish the other person would figure out for himself would amount to verbally "hitting below the belt" and really hurting that person badly.  I don't think most people are willing to do that kind of thing when they truly love the other person.  So, they hope the other person will somehow figure out what the problem is and change what's bothering the one who can't/won't verbally hit below the belt.   How childish of me, I suppose - at least in some ways.  On the other hand, my it was just very grown-up of me, back when I was five or six, to know that we shouldn't say things that could upset or worry someone we love more than words can ever say.  As a result, while our life may not depend on it and while our sense of happiness and confidence may; we often keep to ourselves all those things that have been bothering us  (sometimes over the course of years, even a lifetime),  hope that someone figures all those things out, and discover that nobody ever seems to.

Even though there's really no mind-reading in any relationship, that doesn't prevent the existence of two possible other parts to the "mind-reading equation".

A.   Other Possible Part of the "Mind-Reading Equation" - Number One

The first is, of course, being the person who knows what it's like, and who believes most others do as well; and who tries to guess the answer to questions that haven't been verbalized by seeming to "over-communicate" by trying to cover all possible issues that may exist for the other person and/or in the relationship.  The person in this role, of course, is likely to unintentionally discourage the other person from ever expressing what's on his mind at all because the other person already knows that he'll "make a big thing about it" and "go on and on".  The "over-communicator" may not actually be attempting to communicate more than is appropriate (although he may be).  Instead, he may just be seen by the other as an " over-communicator" because the other doesn't understand why ("on Earth") this individual does what he does.  The "why" to that is, most likely, that this "over-communicator" is someone who wants to be that person who hits on that right guess and lets the other person (if nothing else, and if he's not able to express it in words) nod and give the "guesser" that idea about what is bothering him.  Having been, perhaps, that five-year-old child who so desperately hoped someone would guess what was so upsetting, the guesser/"over-communicator" may very much want to be the kind of person who does (somehow) manage to hit on that right guess.

It might be worth telling a little story about one of my own children at five years old here: 

The kindergarten bus came just a few minutes early one day, and I wasn't able to get right to the door as immediately as I'd always gotten to it as my five-year-old got off the bus.  It didn't take me long (at all), but I heard my child screaming and crying outside the door.  I couldn't imagine what was wrong because he sounded terrified.  When I opened the door and, afraid that he'd be hurt, asked what was wrong; my kindergarten-child wailed, "I thought you were dead!!!"  The lesson I've always taken from that is that when someone is upset enough there's always the chance he won't be thinking of your feelings (or anything else) when he blurts out the cause of his upset.  Most of the time, however, the things that bother people in relationships are not things that terrify them.  They're things about which they feel melancholy, worried, somehow threatened, sentimental and/or maybe even a little afraid.  My boy, like so many other people do, grew up to keep much to himself when the circumstances were perceived by him to be far less dire than my premature and imagined demise.

The "guesser" may understand that the other person can't/won't ever be able to say what's bothering him, and he may even suspect there's the chance the other person won't be able to even nod his head in acknowledgement of that correct guess.  Still, he hopes that if he hits on the words that will help the other person feel better, or understand better; without it's ever being acknowledged out in the open, the attempt to communicate will have been at least somewhat effective.   One major problem with this approach to communication is, however, that if the guesser doesn't hit on what's bothering the other person it amounts to a whole lot of guessing and talk that has been useless (not to mention not at all related to the real problem).  Sometimes that's a chance a guesser will take, particularly if he loves that other person so much he can't bare to think he's unhappy. 

B.    Other Possible Part of the "Mind-Reading Equation" - Number Two

The person who doesn't bother guessing.  This person may not know there could be a reason to even try to guess (at the risk of "over-communicating" and/or spending a lot of time on useless guesses).  He may, on the other hand, just not be the person in the relationship who views his role (and maybe the other person's role as well) as that of trying to take care of the emotional well-being of the other.  This kind of person may be selfish or egotistical, or he may be just be clueless (which sometimes, although not always, comes with "egotistical").  Either way, there's little chance that whatever is bothering the other person will be addressed.  The "non-guesser" will never be accused of boring people, "dredging up negative stuff" and/or generally being "a big downer"; so ironically, perhaps, it may be the non-guesser who is more respected by someone with whom he's in a relationship.

Once A "Guesser", Always A "Guesser"?

Some people are just the kind of people in whose nature it is to be a "guesser".   As suggested above, they may be people who know how many un-expressed thoughts one individual can have and/or how impossible it is for him to disregard the other person and just say what's on his mind.  Other people may not particularly be "guessers" by nature.  They may just find themselves in a relationship in which they learn to become a "guesser".  Conversely, it may be in some people's nature to be selfish and/or clueless and never even know to try to guess (or bother guessing).  Then again, someone isn't particularly a "guesser" by nature may become one if/when he feels it's his role/responsibility to worry about the happiness of the other person in SOME relationships, or to worry about the relationship, itself.

When Even The "Guesser" Keeps His Guesses To Himself

There are times when something that has gone on/is going on in a relationship has been/is something so painful that bringing it up in conversation isn't something either person can, or wants to, do; the issue (or at least the guess) will loom in the air - become an "elephant in the room" about which neither person can say much, and which both know that at least one person (if not both) "just want to move on" (and understandably so).  This may be the most destructive of the scenarios mentioned here, because when elephants are left in rooms they most often do some damage and/or block at least a little sun from the windows.

And Yet, Even Though It Isn't Good We Sometimes Do Expect Someone Else To Be A "Mind-Reader". 

Why - when so many of us know that it isn't good to "expect someone else to be a mind-reader" - do so many of us still keep to ourselves so many of those things that bother us, hoping the other person will figure it out and stop doing whatever he's doing that bothers us?   Why is it that even some of the most otherwise open and honest communicators will draw the line on some of those things that we know will - without a doubt - hurt the other person to core?   Because we love, and because we can't/won't hurt the person/people we love - not even if our lives, let alone our "just" our happiness, depend on it.  Some would call us "wimps" or "pushovers".  Others would understand that it is sometimes the strongest people who care enough about others to refuse to sacrifice the others' self-esteem/confidence for their own.

Those of us who know how it feels to unintentionally hurt someone we love know, too, that there can be a form of grief and sorrow that actually causes nausea each and every time we think about it.  It is something that feels so unbearably sickening to us that we can't allow ourselves to think about it.  No, it isn't good to expect someone else to be a "mind-reader"; but when we know that someone who cares about us is also someone at the root of our individual, or relationship, unhappiness; and when we care so deeply about that person in return, there is absolutely no way ("on Earth") we could ever let that person know that something he does/has done is "the issue".  When we know how it feels when all we want to do is contribute to the happiness of someone we love; we know, too, how bad it feels to know we've contributed instead to their unhappiness.  And so, the elephant stays in the room; and we're often the only one who knows it's there.

So what can we do when we find ourselves in this kind of situation?  I'm sorry to tell you (particularly after you've read all the words above) that I don't know - just keep hoping someone will guess correctly (I guess). 

The Other Side Of The "Mind-Reading Thing"

On, perhaps, a more encouraging note:  There can be another element to the whole "mind-reading thing", and that isn't expecting the other person to be a "mind-reader".  Instead, it's presuming to be a "minder-reader", ourselves (and if not a "mind-reader", then a psychotherapist).  If there's one thing that there's way too much of in this world it the apparent belief that so many people have, which is that they are (essentially) "mind-readers" (or, again, at least psychotherapists).  Here's an over-simplified (and hyperbolic) example of how that kind of thing can go:  Person A says, "I like blue cars."  That's all Person A said - nothing more, whatsoever.  From that, here's what Person B (who believes himself to be both a "mind-reader" and psychotherapist) gets:

"Person A just said he likes blue cars.  That means that Person A also likes blue houses and blue shirts.  Person A must like blue because he had a good experience in a childhood that involved either a blue sky or else a the word, 'blue', in a song.  Person A hates all the other colors in the rainbow.  Person A must have something wrong with him, because I like black cars, and anyone who doesn't think black cars are best has a problem/is a problem.  Person A says he likes blue cars today, so he's never going to change his preference in cars - ever.  Person A doesn't know that apples aren't blue.  I need to figure out to get Person A to like green because he'll be happier."  (This kind of example could go on and on.  You get the idea.)

Person B may care about Person A, but if Person A knows that this is what Person B does with any number of statements he makes, Person A may decide to stop even expressing things like a preference for blue cars.  He may not.  Either way, Person A is going to know that he had better not bring up anything that's "less harmless" than that (because he's already been amazed to discover what Person B will do to even the simplest of statements).

Imagine, say, a fifteen-year marriage between Person A and Person B.  Imagine all the “I like blue cars,” statements that could made in that fifteen years of “marital bliss”.

In her videos in which she talks about verbal abuse; author, Patricia Evans, describes the kind of thing mentioned just above as “verbal abuse”.  Evans notes that whenever someone is “verbally abusive” (as in a situation similar to that described above), it’s because the individual who does that kind of thing in conversation “doesn’t see a person”.  I’m not sure that if the hypothetical Person B in the above example doesn’t intend abuse (and if, instead, he really does care about Person A), that this type of thing should really be considered “verbal abuse”.   The impact on a “Person A” may be the same or similar as it would be if Person B intended to be abusive.  Whether it’s fair to call the behavior “verbal abuse” when there is no intent, I’m not sure.  There’s no question that there’s a problem if a “Person B” “doesn’t see a person” when he speaks.  The world is full of men who don’t see a person when they’re talking to their wives, girlfriends, mothers and/or daughters; and the world is full of adults who don’t see a person when they’re talking with a child (or at least someone younger/smaller than they are).  Fathers, husbands, sons and brothers are all people who may find themselves talking to someone who doesn’t see them as a person.  Middle-aged and older people may not see a person when they talk to someone younger, or they may be the ones who are not seen as a person when someone younger is talking with them.

The main problem here is that someone who apparently believes he’s a “mind-reader” and/or who presumes to act as a psychotherapist evaluating a “Person A”, this individual isn’t just not seeing a person, and he doesn’t just believe that the other person is transparent (maybe even “invisible”) enough that he is able to understand things he only imagines the other person “means”; but the “psychotherapist part” of a “Person B” indicates that he sees himself as qualified to judge, as well as having the right to judge.  Without wanting to come across like a “Person B”, this, to me, is a sign that Person B believes himself to be superior to Person A.  However someone wishes to define “verbal abuse”, any time someone sees himself as “superior” to someone else (particularly, perhaps, another adult) that amounts to lack of “equal respect” for the other person.

Even if Person B cares very much about Person A, imagine that fifteen-year marriage.  Imagine being Person A, who may a) not want to verbally hit Person B below the belt, and b) have learned to keep to a minimum all those “I like blue cars,” remarks.  While a Person A may get into the habit of “over-communicating” in an attempt to make clear what he “really does or doesn’t mean” when he makes those “I like blue cars,” statements; there’s a very good chance he’ll just learn not to express at all his thoughts on the more important relationship issues

Essentially, what it all boils down to is that a “Person A” is being verbally bullied by that “Person B”.  The individual who seems to see himself as a “mind-reader” and/or a psychotherapist is the problem in the relationship.  That’s why a “Person A” can’t come up with an acceptable solution (other than ending a relationship that may otherwise be caring in its own way, and inflicting the guilt and sorrow on that “Person B” by telling him how damaging he’s been to someone whose happiness he really did have at heart (in his own way).  Worse, perhaps, is the fact that if a “Person A” speaks up, it will amount to his compromising his own moral code, values, and standard for behavior toward those he cares about (and having to live, himself, with that nauseating sorrow of having hurt someone he loves).

When my two sons and I were once talking about a couple of bullying incidents each son had encountered at one time or another, both of my non-aggressive sons said, “I could REALLY hurt him if I wanted to, but I don’t want to.”  One son added, “I don’t want to seriously hurt a kid.  He’s a kid.”  They were grade-school age at the time, and it seemed so clear to me that it is in the nature of non-aggressive, kind, children not to want to seriously hurt another child.  In fact, they will refuse to.  That’s why childhood bullies often get away with bullying, and it’s why grown-up victims of bullies will often tell themselves they don’t care what a “Person B” thinks about them and continue to allow themselves to be bullied (and sometimes, even “benevolently bullied” by someone who cares about them, and about whom they care).

So, Is There A Solution To Any Of These “Mind-Reading in Relationships” Problems?

If there is it certainly isn’t likely to be a simple one.  Still, while it may be particularly difficult for the person who can’t/won’t bring himself to tell someone who generally cares about him (and often sincerely “means well”) to solve his own contribution to a “Mind-Reading” problem, it’s not at all difficult for each and every person in any kind of relationship to ask himself, “Do I see, and treat, this other individual as absolutely equal to me, in terms of whether I see a capable, perfectly OK individual (particularly when he’s an adult), who knows what he’s talking about; bases what he says and does on what he, himself, has found to be accurate and true; who knows more about ‘where he comes from’ than I do (in fact, who may know more about any number of things than I do), and who is a person?

Doing this one thing may not solve all the relationship problems in the world (or even all the “mind-reading in relationships” problems in the world.  It would, however (and I’m convinced of this), solve and/or prevent a whole lot of them.

True, I’m only guessing about that.  It is, however, a fairly “experienced”, informed, guess.  Then again, it may be more accurate to say that what I’ve offered here are the words of an “over-communicator” who has lived in a world of “mind-readers” and self-appointed, untrained and extremely inept “psychotherapists” longer than – really – any “Person” should.

Returning (for just another little while) to that story about when I was five and would get myself crying because I would think about my mother dying, I think of how many times my mother would say (both then and in the years that followed, long after that phase of getting myself crying from worrying that she'd die), "I'm not a mind-reader.  I can't do anything about what's bothering you if you don't tell me what it is."  Over the years that followed she would make that "mind-reader statement" time and time again, often not with regard to my relationship with her but to her relationship with someone else.  Like most people who love/care about someone else, she wanted nothing more than to "do something about" what was bothering a person she loved/cared about.   I'd over time notice that the "mind-reading" problem seemed to be problem for a whole lot more people than just my mother.  I'd notice, too, that while those five-year-olds who go through that stage of fearing that their mother will die most often outgrew that degree of that particular fear; those people whose nature it is to be unwilling to risk severely hurting a person they love don't particularly outgrow that.

This may be one of the major reasons we live in a world in which so many strong, capable, competent, and kind people find themselves misunderstood and/or unintentionally mistreated by someone who truly means no harm and certainly wouldn't hurt someone else if they knew better.   It may also be one of the major reasons so many people who can't/won't hurt someone else will try to figure out a way to solve a relationship problem on their own  - only to discover that living with that problem for too long gets to be too much, and the only options are to either stay in the relationship and live keeping one’s “complaints” to oneself, or else get out of a relationship that, really, shouldn’t ever have to have ended.

Neither of those options is really much of an option.  No otherwise caring relationship needs to, or should, come down to these two options.  Still, so many do; and it’s so often all because of that “mind-reading” problem.