Introduction
"Relationship glitches" is a term that has often come to mind when I've been thinking about the little things that can be "off" in relationships between people (whether between spouses, parents and kids, friends, or any other combination of people in one kind of relationship or another. In fact, even co-workers or neighbors can have enough of a relationship that "glitches" can occur and cause problems to one degree or another.
It's not surprising that the degree of closeness in any given relationship can bring with it increased chances of one of these glitches, but sometimes it's more the nature of the glitch and/or the differences in natures of the people involved that determine how potentially seriously a glitch can affect the relationship.
Even in some otherwise good relationships, glitches can exist in a way that means one or both parties just learns to accept that all "will never be perfect" in all ways in that particular relationship. These glitches, however, also have the potential of creating tiny fractures in the foundation of a relationship; and too many glitches and/or fractures can, unfortunately, sometimes lead the crumbling of the relationship.
If you ask most people what it takes to have a healthy relationship, many would tell you that open and honest communication is important. Having the ability/willingness to step outside ourselves and be able to see the other person's point-of-view is something else most people believe is important. Both of these things is true (as are a lot more of the things that a good number of people believe is important in having healthy relationships). One problem can be (and I think this exists far more often than a lot of people even see) that the kind of relationship glitches to which I'm referring are something that exist for one individual, or between two different individuals, exist within the process of "running one's communication program" or "running one's trying-to-see-the-other-viewpoint program. If there's a glitch that exists in the "programs" we use in our interpersonal relationships becoming more skilled at, or more knowledgeable about, using those "programs" isn't going to help them run more smoothly.
Most of us have heard someone say how his relationship is having trouble because he and the other person "go around and around in circles and never get anywhere with it". More importantly, most of us have heard stories about how so-and-so's ex-husband was a scoundrel or a "lazy and selfish good-for-nothing", or how so-and-so's ex-wife was a "complete witch". Stories about "rotten sons/daughters" abound. So do stories about "selfish" mothers and fathers who "never really loved their children". In fact, there seems to be no end to stories that would have us believe that, perhaps, the majority of people in the world are "terrible people" who are terrible at relationships.
The fact is, there are a lot of people in the world who aren't very good at relationships. There are also plenty of people who just aren't decent, caring, people. Still, over the course of my lifetime I've become convinced that a good percentage of those stories about "terrible" people got their start with relationship glitches that caused those tiny fractures in the foundation of the relationship, and eventually resulted in a foundation so weak and/or broken it had turned into something on which no relationship could stand for too long.
Like the glitches that take place when we're using our computers, relationship glitches aren't something we can see just in the process of using the computer. All we can see is the evidence that a glitch exists. All we can see, know and/or feel is that something is wrong; and we don't really know what to do to fix it. The good thing about glitches in relationships, however, is that, unlike technical glitches that occur when we're using our computers, we don't need a lot of technical know-how in order to be able know where to look to find a glitch. Neither do we need a lot of technical know-how to be able to fix at least some relationship glitches.
Unfortunately, some relationship glitches are of the nature that may make fixing them impossible (especially when the glitch is rooted in the thinking and nature of the other person in the relationship). Glitches that exist between the two individuals may be easier to recognize and fix, but we can't usually do much about something that comes from within the other person. Then again, however, sometimes something only appears to come from within the other person's nature because nobody involved has even recognized that any problems in, or with, the relationship are rooted in a simple glitch that, if recognized, might actually be fixable. Fixable or not, recognizing these glitches can be a first step in understanding them, and possibly finding a way to improve the relationship by either fixing them or finding ways to help the relationship run more smoothly in spite of them.
Over the course of an adult lifetime, I've been increasingly and acutely aware of some of the surprising (even shocking) ways in which these relationship glitches can develop and insidiously continue to worsen in varying degrees and varying types of relationships.
Future posts here will focus on these relationship glitches that can so often make the difference between the healthiest of relationships and relationships that will never be as solid and healthy as they otherwise could have/should have been. I can't (and wouldn't even try) to fix anyone's troubled relationship. All I can do is suggest some areas where, over the course of my own lifetime, I've been shocked to discover or observe some of these glitches and/or some of the things that lead to their developing.
Of Women and Respect
Not long ago I read something someone online write, and it made the assertions that "women need love" and "men need respect". What a crock. Everyone (men, women and children) needs, expects, wants and deserves to be viewed, and treated, with respect.
The following is a comment I wrote but didn't post under the article, mostly because I didn't see the so called "article" as being worth bothering commenting on:
I once read an
excellent analysis of love, and it was said that no matter what kind of love is
involved (romantic, parent/child, siblings, whoever) love is only whole when it
involves both respect and admiration. Other
things that people see as love may be "caring about" or some other
partial form of emotional attachment; but whole and healthy love must include
respect and admiration. Anything else is
less than whole, real, and healthy love.
As a human being, I could happily and easily live without admiration or
love. What I wouldn't be willing to live
without is respect. Others (or a spouse)
don't have to agree with what I think/do, but I expect respect as human being;
and think every other human being deserves that too. We don't have to go along with others' ideas
that we don't like, and we don't even have to respect the idea if we know it's
(for lack of a more polite word) stupid.
Having a less-than-impressive idea, however, doesn't mean someone is not
worthy of basic respect as an equally worthy and respectable human being to
someone else. So-called "love"
without respect amounts to be suffocated by someone who sees the other person
as "less", more needy, not autonomous.
